Insecurity

I have always been insecure to a degree, but this past week, I have had a terrible bout with insecurity. I find myself asking the opinion of anyone in my family who will still listen to me before I make a move.

I am so happy that my in-laws have moved closer to us, but seeing them regularly brings all of the worries and fears about my father-in-law's illness into my daily life. It was easier to put it all out of my mind before.

But, of course, I don't want to put it out of my mind. It is important to me to remember the suffering they are going through.

I also find that when my husband and I don't spend time consciously talking about how we feel, the sub-conscious worries tend to lead to irritability between us.

While I have been thinking about what I wanted to write about all of this, it really helped me to think that each one of you who reads this, has experienced the same struggles with sickness and loss.

I don't have to explain all of the feelings I am struggling with, you all have been there. You all have your own stories, that are unique, yet somehow the same.

Now I am feeling too insecure to publish this post, but I am going to do it anyway...:)

We went back to my in-laws yesterday to help them finish moving into their house. They had wonderful friends there who hung all of their pictures and cleaned the house until it shined.

My job was to hook up my father in law's computer. It would have been a little easier if I hadn't been woozy from the Pledge fumes, but it went amazingly well for a computer job.

And....my father in law said that I could be in charge of the empty fish pond.

I am so excited because I have always wanted a pond. I have been planning all morning what I am going to do, and the only thing I have settled on so far, is that I need a bucket! I need to test the water and make sure it is good, but the algae is thriving, so that is usually a good sign.

I mentioned his cancer a few months ago. He is doing well and has improved enough to quit using pain medications for now. The prognosis has not changed, but he seems to be happy and enjoying being with friends and family.

He loves to sit outside in his backyard, so I hope I can get the pond to where he will be able to enjoy watching the fish.

Daisy poses for the camera:

My husband and I helped his parents move into their new house today. It is a beautiful house with glossy hardwood floors, vaulted ceilings and an amazing backyard.

It also has a step-down living room. The shiny floors camouflage the step of the step-down living room. Every person over the age of fifty fell down at least once today.

Tim and I didn't actually fall, but sort of just stumbled and recovered, while managing to wrench every muscle in our bodies.

By the end of the day, I was shuffling slowly, warily eying the floor before I took each step.

While I started out this morning quite envious of their spacious new home, tonight I was happy to come home and limp around my flat little old house.



Does this backyard make up for the Step of Doom?

I am trying to be on my computer less, so I removed my whole desk setup from the living room, and am kind of just hauling my laptop around where I need it.

I feel very lost without my desk home. But I am resisting the urge to put everything back the way it was for several reasons:

1. I kept all of my daily medications in a box on my desk in the living room. Now that we are having babies around more, that is stupid and dangerous, so I have to change that. But I like them all right there, so I could read blogs while I used them.

2. My metal desk looked very ugly in the living room.

3. Umm...I guess there are just two reasons. Anyway, it is quite a struggle for me to give up my little personal, hibernating corner in my living room.

I knew I was a little crazy, but this is ridiculous. But I guess I can handle it as long as I don't have to give up my chair, or my drawer in the kitchen or sleep on the other side of the bed or anything scary like that.

Oh, I hate the thought of getting "set in my ways."

On a different note, I don't know what it is about summer and my love for my dogs. I have spared you more photos of them (but I have some really cute ones!) and I won't go on and on about our doggie playdates (but they are so fun!) but let me just say that if I make it through the summer without getting another dog, it will be a miracle.

My sweet dog, Janie:

Not only does she make me feel safe and protected, she also kills spiders for me. A great, big one was scurrying toward me, and she jumped up and...splat!...

Now this dog:

This dog is driving me insane. Daisy barks when she's outside, she barks and whines when she is inside. She barks when I go upstairs. She barks and whines all of the time! If I don't hear her barking and whining, then I know she has gotten into the trash. Oh...she just fell asleep, so I have a few minutes of peace...shhh...

It was so hot yesterday.

How hot was it?

Midnight found me in the bathroom cutting the sleeves off of my pajama top and the legs off of my pants with old haircutting scissors.

By the end of the heatwave, I will undoubtedly have a whole wardrobe of Flashdance-inspired clothing.

As we began our second day of the heat wave here in Southern California, our power went out. My husband and I both had the same idea: we grabbed our respective hoses, he spraying the car, me watering my garden and my kids.

I hate how pathetic I feel when the power goes out. I am way too dependent on electricity for everything I do.

Thank God it came back on before I had to take desperate measures and wash the dishes by hand.

I Don't Sleep, I Dream

I dreamed last night that I was at dooce's house. Her husband was kind enough to loan me his socks. Later in the day, it turned into daysgoby's house, and I was having a deep conversation with her son about something.

When I went outside (in my dream) I was with The Pioneer Woman and her family trying to catch a wild bull on the playground of my old elementary school.

Later in the night, I couldn't attend prom because I had been cursed, and I had to break the curse before I could go out. I was searching on Google for the antidote to the curse, but I couldn't make it work right.

I usually can interpret my dreams pretty well, but this one has me stumped.